Fucking need a really good start !
Sunday 26 February 2017 | 03:34 | 0 mustaches
Hi there. As a person and as a human being, we all want a good start in life. Right? Same goes to me. Sometime, I wonder hm just for how long I should be like this. I pun nak hidup happy macam orang lain. I pun nak gelak i pun nak enjoy my young life. The past make us afraid to look forward. Seberapa banyak kita berubah ke arah yang lebih baik, people still look at us the same way. The same us yang dulu ada buat silap. We all make mistakes dude. Tak kisah la besar ke kecil. Forget about it. Lets talk about hazim thingy.π Fuck tak move on habis ah. Haha no lah. Im going to get better ni. Talking about hazim, last i ws dia on feb 24 kot. He asked me why always him that i wanna ws that i wanna call. And my answer is simple. "I cant explain it and i cant answer it". And ya after that he said okay and bye. And everything end there. Of course la lepas tu rase nak nangis ape semua. Tapi sampai bila i nak nangis sebab dia. You know what, buat malu je dia okay hidup but i pulak yang nangis sana sini. Mane boleh! So from now i ingat nak selalu happy and takdela nangis pasal dia dah. I tau, i takkan pernah berhenti rasa nak tau apa dia buat apa dia dia post dekat Instagram semua tu. Because i concern. Because i care. And maybe bacause i still loves.
Day by day, i cuba untuk pandang ke arah lebih baik. Even ya sometime at one moment, feeling down tu ada. We should have faith and dont stop fight for your life. For your own self.
I hope one day, i meet a good person, a good friends, a good environment to live a new life. Its time to start living the life we've imagined :')
Labels: life
Trust issues?
Monday 13 February 2017 | 01:17 | 0 mustaches
Such a sad life. Everything ruined. No one would respect me now. Im bad. Everyone knew it. I already ruin my life. Can i survive? Should i die? I freaking sad. I feel like i wanna cry forever. Everyone would look at me on different perspectives. The bad aikha. Slut :') Everyone would hate me. They would think that I'm an easy girl who hm. I trust people easily. That's my problem.Everything start with depression. I ruined myself ! If my family know all of these stuffs that happened to me. Im dead. I feel like i cant stand it anymore. How should i smile? When im sad actually. Feel ashamed oglf myself. What should i do when i have to take my SPM result at college? Can i face everyone? Would they remember my past? :'
I trust too much. Because I believe them. But and the end, they all lied to me. They all just used me. I hate Hareez i hate Hazwan i hate everyone that i trust before. They ruined my life ! Only Allah knew how i feel.
It's all my fault. Trust people easily. Hopeless people. Hoping for something too much and at the end they all just wanna play with me. Im messed up. I dont wanna meet everyone ! Can i erase everyone ? I wanna move to place where everyone not knowing me. Hm. I dont know , this feeling still in my mind. Everynight. I cant sleep.
Aib. Everyone knew it right? My 'aib' dah terbuka luas and semua orang tau. Taktau nak cakap apa dah. Semua yang aku sayang, semua dah pergi. Semua dah benci. Sebab diorang fikir aku teruk. I hope i could fake a smile on that day. I hope i could forget about that incident for a while.
By the way, i dont wanna get married. So, i should stop liking someone or anyone. I wanna live alone. I dont wanna trust everyone dah. Its hurt when kau sorang je yang nampak teruk haha :') Fuck life.
Not so move on journey?
Sunday 12 February 2017 | 00:13 | 0 mustaches
I thought by express my feeling here would be better. No one would know. Till now, i still couldn't move on of what had happened to me.What would happen if one day everyone know it. I barely can't handle it. Its kinda tired by pretending that you're okay in front of others. Every night, i couldn't sleep well. Always thinking about all of the past. I regret about everything. For meeting someone behave like satan. Ah. But, I appreciate for knowing Hazim even only temporary. I told him everything because i trust him. Even he would hate me more. It's not a wrong thing kan for liking him for the rest of my life? Because ya I would never have him pun. And i memang taknak kahwin. Its better for me to still love him from far.
I wanna start a new journey in my life. Where I couldn't find a reason to feel sad. But it's hard cause i still couldn't move on with bad things that happened to me. Felt myself just too cruel.
I don't wanna meet everyone that i knew before. Its better for me to live my life with someone new. I wanna live in a city where no one would know me. So that i could introduce myself to them in brand new me. Brand new me who always be happy and stronger. Someone that could protect herself from bad people.
For me, meeting Efa was really a great thing. She is a good friend of mine. She always there when i need. I miss her. If possible i wanna always stay with her. I wanna go to the same university as her. Living in the same hostel. Hangout together and be happy together. Till we get old.
Talking about getting old. I wanna be friend with Hazim till we get old. And be happy if he happy. Sounds insane but hm its okay for feeling hurt for someone that we love right? Haha.
Depression?
Saturday 11 February 2017 | 09:46 | 0 mustaches
After a really big big thingy problems happened to me, i just kinda depressed? Ah sucks ! Just felt like nobody would care and ya that fucking thing that i dont want to happen again, did happened. On Friday. Someone that i trust and closed with hm did something bad to me and ya I couldn't say a thing at all cause i think he is my friend . Fool me. But, everything happened to me i would tell Hazim. I told him about that incident. And i knew, he would hate me more than before. This endless love hurt me so bad. Even i knew, he would never love me back. After all of those incidents , I thought he would never look back at me. He must think that I'm a bad girl. Who have no guts to protect herself. A girl who totally a coward person.
I have no value in front of him. No more. And i decided to delete my ws account ya . I cried in my bedroom this whole day. Im sad. I felt bad. I felt like this world already pointless for me to still living my life. To built something colourful in my life. It just already wasted. Im ruined myself because of someone that fucking not deserve it.
And ya, Hazim knew it. I told him kan i cakap tadi. It freaking good for being a friend with him now. I'm always told him my problems. But this one, i knew he would hate me. Hate more and more. I wanna hate him too. I don't want to love him. Pity him. I told him that I don't wanna married after all of this incident. He replied, " Dont" . But seriously, pity someone who would be my husband right? For having me who completely bad.
I fucking serious now, I don't want to get married for my entire life. I want to stay single and be happy with all of my friends. Day by day i realize who is my true friend. It is Suhaila, Zetty and Efa. I freaking cant hold my tears when they dm me and asked if I'm okay or not.
I glad for having them in my life. My good listener.
Remember i told you guys i delete my ws account. On 1.15 am , i made a ws account back. And i found two messages from Fang and Zetty. And ya, i forgot one thing after this incident happened. That "hidup kena chill". I hope i would be stronger and not coward anymore to protect myself ! Its fucking long journey who wait on me. β¨
Alhamdulillah πβ¨
Saturday 7 January 2017 | 09:57 | 0 mustaches
Alhamdulillah. Everything going well today. I have some fun too. I went to Along's friend wedding. With Kak Qila too. I realize something. There's a lot of handsome guys out there ! Haha. I met my Along's friend, friendly called Zul. He steal my attention. Can't took off my eyes of him. Lol gatal. He kind of funny guy. He talked to me back then! He just asked me to take photos together but I overreacted.π Of course. Because he's macho hihi.π But, tha sad thing is, he have girlfriend ! Hwa.π Its okay. It's normal. Handsome guy always taken. Haha shit. But. There's something that make me more grateful.βΊοΈ
It's about Hazim. I talked to him today. This whole day. We really talk like a member. Like besties. Like before. Everything getting better. Not too awkward and occasionally talk like just friend-friend relationships.π Even friend, it still make me happy. Because he's Hazim. Ya. Hm he's Hazim. Deep down, i felt like i still love him (sayang). Maybe as member. I don't know why. I really want to see him being successful person. I wanna see him happy. Even we're nothing now. But. I just don't know. I just still care. That's it. Sharing each other story. He listened to my problems well. And he's still here. For me. Even just friend. It freaking fine right? Ya Allah, thanks for this greatest gift ! Thankyou for this temporary happiness. I appreciate it. After all of those, hardships that I've been through. Even, this is not what I want, still He know the best right? I shouldn't be greedy. Just accept everything with smile.π
From now, i hope my friendship with him going better. I wish we could getting older together. My greatest doa for my life is to be happy. Where's I could be with someone that I madly in love with. Get a good result in SPM. Enter a good university out there. Study well. Be a good person to everyone. Then, get a nice job. Make my parents proud. And hope that someone that i madly in love with; where's i wanna live together is " ____". I couldn't tell you guys. This is my greatest wish. I just could say his name in my heart. My inner voice told me, it's him. But, I couldn't barely say he's the one. That's Allah do. Not me. I just could plan. β¨
When we get older, we gonna be more scare with this world. Everything is responsibility. You know, that feeling wanna be a good daughter to your parents? Wanna reply all of their hardships for raised me. Till i get married. Haha.π I talk like makcik lah.
Goodnight, everyone ! πβ¨
Labels: grateful
Refreshing, maybe.
Thursday 5 January 2017 | 10:53 | 0 mustaches
You're in love with someone who doesn't love you back. You'll pine, you'll cry, you'll wonder, "Why not me?" You'll go through a mourning period; you'll be mourning for your broken heart, of course. Unrequited love is always a painful thing. It hurts like nothing else does, but ask yourself this: Why would you want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you?If he was the one for you, he would've stayed. If he is the one for you, he'll come back. Until then, make yourself happy and stop trying to push yourself into a mold for him. Stop trying to be who you think he wants. You'll never be happy this way. You might get him eventually, but are you willing to lose yourself in the process? You may think this is the end of the world, and it will definitely feel like it, but this is just the beginning of a long road of love and tragedy. You'll learn soon enough that getting your heart broken is a good thing, because it's going teach you who you should love.
"This boy may be everything you want, but just because he's perfect for you doesn't mean you're perfect for him. Let go and stop torturing yourself. You're hurting yourself and you're forgetting something: you are more than your love for him. You are not a girl who spends her spare moments pining and yearning for a boy to make all her troubles go away, to make her forget all her worries in life. You are so much more. " :')
Then again, maybe you love him because it's hard, because he's something unattainable; maybe you think that if you can get to him, you can do anything. Maybe he's some kind of prize for you, for all that you've been through, maybe you think you deserve him. Maybe you love him because this love isn't easy, because it's full of highs and lows; it's the cheesy movie, young adult novel kind of romance that everyone hopes for. But ask yourself, do you love him for him? If the answer is yes, if you really do, you have to let him go. You are not what he wants. How can you say you love him if you expect him to settle for a life he doesn't want? Let him go. Let him love someone else, let him be happy. Along the way, let yourself be happy. You'll find that loving yourself is more fulfilling than loving anyone else.
Labels: good then
New Family Members In The House
Tuesday 3 January 2017 | 10:15 | 0 mustaches
Hi, guys. Today routine just going well. I woke up from bed. Literally just listening to music on my bed and not having breakfast as always. I love my bed. I love sleep. I love to dream. It just me in the dreamland. You know what, you can dream something you cant have. Like sometimes, when you miss someone so bad and ya you can have a dream about them. It seems like you drag them in there lol. π But basically not everyone could always have a dream. Sometime they just sleep. Blank. All black. Maybe its me who are really weird, i dreamed everyday. Every single day. Auw i love to sleepβ¨ daydreamer and nightdreamer lol. I watched 'Paper Town' ! The best scene for me is when Margo and Q at SeaWorld. Margo said " Just remember that sometimes, the way you think about a person isnβt the way they actually areβ¦ People are different when you can smell them and see them up close.Everything's uglier close up,". She also said that this is paper town, where they all just fake. I think its really damn true. We cant estimate people just by looking at them. You know, there's a lot of plastic people this day. π Basically, I don't understand the ending of this movie. It's like a movie ending left unsaid. Margo and Q just being apart. Margo still at Orlanda. Q back to his hometown and graduate. The last thing Q say is " Margo was not a miracle. She was not an adventure. She was not a fine and precious thing. She was a girl." That all. So I'm quite unsatisfied with the ending lol. John Green please make a good ending story please.
While surfing, dad came back from work. He bought a new cat. I named it Ken. Cute right. I really fall in love with Ken. Too energetic. My Instagram story full with Ken photos and video. And ya, one more thing. The unexpected one. Hazim replied my insta story. Ya I'm surprised. I thought he would ignore me for his entire life. But, Alhamdulillah he treat me like a memberπ Thanks to god. The way he talk, it's normally like a friend. Auw i felt like I'm refreshing our memory in form 4 back then. I like this situation. Feel comfortable with each other by friend-friend relationship. It won't be awkward for us right?
I just love when we always fought with each other. About small detail things. But it just me with all of my memories lol.π Finally, i could smile. I'm not going to waste my tears easily from now! Yay. Im going to be strong. I could stand with my own feet. I wanna be a matured girl. Stop being too childish.
Comforting myself by writing in this blog is enough. Its like me talking to me. Me remind myself about everything. What should i do and what I don't have to. Being a teenager is cool. We just too young. Its time to try everything in this life this world. πβ¨
Right now, i just want to keep waiting for someone to knock my heart and whisper that he will love me no matter what will happen. Someone that could stand with me until the end. Sounds cool right? But it's hard to find. Sometimes, we just found someone that not believe in us. That we could change too, like others. That we could change our attitude for them. But they don't believe it. Sad right?
I keep telling myself that i should change, and want to come back at him. That time. But I won't come back anymore. Because he already wanna leave me. Its tragic but i have to accept it. That's why i told that i want to be strong, matured and everything.
Maybe, sometimes first love doesn't work. Ya we would love them so much even they already gone. First love is something memorable. You won't forget. There's nothing between both of you now but you still going to love them. Seriously. It happen to me. I'm not going to hate him. But i still want to see him happy.π
That all. Simple.
Remember, actually we could control what we feel. But it just this damn weak mentality that ruin it. You trapped in your own illusion. Its because you really want that thing and you cant have. That's why you always sad. You're trapped between what you want and reality. That's why you should learn how to let go.β¨
Lastly, i hope I will always be happy with the new me. Yay! This brand new me will rock the world lol.π Haha bye!π
Labels: happy
Everything Cleared
Monday 2 January 2017 | 10:51 | 0 mustaches
I don't know how to start this. Today, so many things happened. My friend encourage me to ask him everything to make things clearer. I took a step closer, and greet him ,ask him everything, what happened, why it being that way , so many things being asked. The result is, i have to move on as soon as possible. There's no me in his life. No more. I should accept it. Ya, i have to be professional. I'm already 18 years old. So , i should take things in positive way. Finally, i could move on. I'm not gonna claim it's 100 percent move on but i think I'm in the right path . I guess this is moving on. I'm stronger than before. I could barely smile when i hear his name. π
For sure, i wanna always see him happy. Maybe by seeing him happy, make me happy too right? Cherish from far i guess. I asked him why he wouldn't respect my feeeling towards him . He told me if he give it, I wouldn't move on and will always be the old me. The old me that hold hope over him i guess.
I think it's true, because when you respest someone's feeling , it seems like u give him/her 5 percent hope. It's not too much but to someone that love you, its mean something big to their life. I think, Hazim make a good move.
Even deep down, my heart told me he is the one but the reality said no. I should accept it. Like everyone know, Allah knew the best. β¨ Just pray for the best and be the best.
The new target in life , finally ! to keep on moving on. I really gonna change my way my life my path and everything. Wanna pair with the new me that matured in everything. I gonna find you one day.
Now, i should focus on myself. SPM results not announced yet, so it's gonna be boring at home. I think i should spend more time with family and friends. So that, my mind not gonna think about him lol.
Just wanna thanks to all my friends, especially Efa and Eirfan. They always there when i need, maybe. Encourage me to move on. And ya finally i already reached this level where I'm not gonna cry because of him. 'Padu'π haha.
It's the end of us, but it's the start of me. Im gonna find myself. So, bye the old me that always be weak boo shuh. Hold with Allah plan, and be faith. If we want a good things happen, we have to be a good person. It's a give and take.
Lets do good things together then yay!π
Labels: so so
New StartπΈ
Sunday 1 January 2017 | 12:33 | 0 mustaches
Firstly, i hope 2017 would be great and better than 2016. Everything just going well in 2016 but ya maybe because of my behaviour I couldn't hold what's mine before and what i love by my side , always. I lose him. I could do nothing. If I'm not being too childish, he wont go away from me. But, everything already passed. I texted him, but nothing could change it to be like before. Now, I decide to move on. I hope i could find the brand new me this year yay!β¨ I just wanna meet the new me that always strong,don't easily waste her tears over random guy. New me that not too fool over a guy and be friended with person that likely act like a 'backstabber' . Have trust in everyone is good but you should have a curiosity in yourself too. Sometimes, people just be kind in front of you but at the back, its opposite. Beware.
I knew, i act like a kid. I blocked someone on my Instagram. I don't act that way because i really hate her but I'm afraid i would hate her more. You know, sometime being far away from someone would be better. I don't hold grudges over her but please let me live my way. I do lose so many things in 2016. So, let me be more happy yay!π
This year bucket lists hm just wanna be kind, be wise, be more matured (serious)π don't wanna throw hatred over someone easily and wanna be good daughter for my mom and dad. What else? Grab what mine? No no let it go, girl. People told me if we love something just let it go, if it come back to you it's yours. Sounds cliche but that's the truth.π
Love yourself first. Do think about yourself before anything else. Do make yourself happy first, so that you could make everyone around you happy too.
Someone i love told me before, to don't love him too much. I asked myself why he said like that. But now, I learned. I realised one thing, if we love something too much, you might lose that something easily. You know what, when you love someone too much, you could be jealous over everything because u don't wanna lose him/her. That time, it might ruin that relationship. It's like you don't trust him/her. Lol overboard from the entry title.π
So lastly just wanna say Happy New Year everyone ! The start of this year, do make a wish and make it happen. Do pray to god too, the Almighty knew what best for you. Just believe Him. πβ¨ Bye.
Labels: random talk
